LT 2.0 Flash Fiction Mini Series: Harvest

This week I will be posting flash fiction pieces I have written within the past year for a great writing collaborative that is now laid to rest. My dear friends over at JuiceBox Confession and Navigator, Equator birthed LT 2.0 and in appreciation for it, please enjoy.

I wrote this piece of flash fiction for Literary Traces while I was in the hospital with in the first twenty-four hours of delivering my third son. Please, enjoy my twisted mind.

The thick golden tendrils of her hair were bound back in a low ponytail and braided to the ends then bound again.  She walked the halls a look of unknown excitement in her glazed over eyes as she watched the busy birthing center nurses tend to ladies and babies. Other mothers-to-be clutching swollen fronts in painful anticipation to the initial meeting of their new spawn.

The golden braid bobbed to and fro.  Her eyes stayed focused on the task at hand. It was time for harvesting. She knew she would have to do this, and was often told that all things will come to an end in the pain and suffering of life. In acceptance of this way of life she knew the harvest would draw near and her duty would be her utmost responsibility.

Eyes ever diligent on the halls.  She was keeping track of the faces and trying to guess when each face might produce their own offspring. Feigning contraction she would stop every so often so as to not draw attention to the obviously painless labor she was enduring. The pain was never physical for her, however after several years of living here and learning about the intricacies of life she grew fond of the race she had studied for centuries.  Each time this task was bestowed upon her her heart sank a little more knowing that these women truly loved what was growing, living and soon to be breathing from within them.

She did her best to shake herself of these thoughts and focused on the labor of her work.  Walking, really marching, up and down.  Refusing help when asked.  Politely talking to family members of other laborers, and wondering how they fared.  How far into the process they were.  Eager to share with any person with a lending ear they often readily gave the exact information she needed.  It usually rang to the tune of “oh she’s about 6 cm now”, or “this is our second baby, we hope its a girl”…so on and so forth.

Today she chose an olive toned woman with hair that cascaded in dark ringlets down her face. Perspiration and tears saturated her skin.  Her cheeks were flush with the coming. Her name was Gaia according to the chart hanging from the front of the door.  Her partner, Abigail, ran to and from the kitchenette to fetch ice chips and whatever else Gaia asked for. Yes, the time was close indeed.

Finally the moments that followed produced the sounds of life and the cries of victory. Once the two mothers had their fill of staring into their newborn’s face for the first time, Gaia asked her to go make the long list of phone calls to alert family and friends of the arrival of the new life in her arms. Abigail moved the babe to the bassinet and encouraged her wife to get some rest. Once confirmed that Abigail was in the thick of the task assigned and the nurses were done tending to the mending and cleaning of Gaia she descended upon the room.

Entering silently she only allowed Gaia to know she was there by sound of the door closing. Gaia looked up at her slightly confused and with a questioning look about her. The door was locked and she smiled as she walked closer to Gaia’s hospital bed. As Gaia reached for the call button as she with the golden braid moved it aside out of reach as she had done to dozens of new mothers before.

“Your gift will ensure the safety of humankind. We are grateful to you and take this life as a continuation of the contract of peace.”

Gaia still very unsure as to the goings on of the current moment and quite groggy watched as the unfamiliar woman walk closer to her baby.

The one with the golden braid walked steadily to the sleeping baby.  Gingerly she picked it up and nestled it into the cradle of her arms and rested the sweet sleeper on her belly. Looking up into the suddenly horrified Gaia’s face she thanked her once more as she walked over to the only window in the room. She slid it open and in one fluid motion she pounced upon the window sill, and as if the embodiment of a snake, she unhinged her jaw and swallowed the newborn whole.

Gaia unable to speak, shook at the thought of what she just witnessed. Braid still swaying from the fast action.  Jaw still foot wide and slack she skewed her face into some form of a smile as her tongue fell loosely out of the gaping hole of a mouth and bound out of the window.

The contract of peace was fulfilled another day and Earth would be safe, until the next time.


Resolution, Shmezolution.

Happy Birthday Blog. You are a year old. People always say the first year is the hardest (in marriage, child rearing and other things). And here we stand.

As I walk around my house (and nearly killing myself on the tens of hundreds of trains and matchbox cars littering the floor) I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and overall happiness.  A year ago I was one child down, one job up, homeless, uncertain and feeling unsupported. I lived a life revolving around anger, resentment and objectifying everything.  My angsty tendencies and bristly demeanor wore over me like that proverbial dark cloud that hovers overhead in the anti-depression medication commercials.  Anyone who met me picked up on this and when I would try to reach out to be kind, my undying, dry-to the-bone wit would come out ill received and chalked up to bitchiness. Over the previous year I’ve tried to relinquish these attributes, ones created by myself as a defense poised to protect myself from whatever may be hurled at me.  See, all that tension and tightness was a reflection of my hard times. My good times and the real me parts were deep, DEEP down in there.  This year, my Saturn in return, has gifted me with patience, gratitude, open ears, a softer voice and a willingness to give. My walls are down and I’m so ready to take on the next year.

I just made a list of all the great things I’ve accomplished this year.  It feels amazing.  I strongly suggest you try it.  I’m still working on me though. I’m still trying to perfect my marriage everyday. I’m still trying to be the mom that I need and want to be. I’m still working on making friends and not just making them, but keeping them and making sure they know I love and appreciate them. My husband’s resolution last year and will again be this year: “Make it better.” And that’s what we intend to do. No resolutions. No impossible to reach goals. Just…Make it better.

Well…I meant for this to be a silly post on realistic resolutions like: “This year I resolve to never go to bed at a reasonable hour.” or “My New Year’s Resolution is to get dressed out of comfy pants as infrequently as humanly possible.” But I guess my fingers weren’t feeling it.

Goodbye 2013.  Hello 2014. Make it better, everyone. Be safe tonight. ❤


Sunday Confession: Social Media

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So, fellow lady blogger More than Cheese and Beer does this Sunday confession blog prompt and this week its: Social Media! Jussst great. I made all sorts of friends (no really….lots and lots of people agreed with me) with my post about social media. Well you know how much I love to kick a dead horse so let’s do this.

See, a couple of weeks ago I experienced an energetic burst of mania induced rant juice. I blew my lid on how I feel pressured in the Facebook realm. I took my emotions and purged them on to my blog in the way a college freshman pukes at his first frat party. And like that poor freshman turning his insides out at his first party I feel like my rant was justified, predictable and to be expected. Every now and then don’t you just want to say “FUCK THIS!” about everything…at least once? Well if not….cheers to you my freakishly optimistic reader….you rock and we all hate you for it.

For the rest of us normals….Here’s my confession on social media. It will likely not surprise you at all. I’m addicted to it! There I said it. I have my weekends that I try to stay off it. I’ve got my hubs man home on the weekend. My family of five is a family of five on the weekends (my oldest son is with his father Sunday night through Wednesday). So I tend to not “need” it. But ohhh sweet social media….we have our heavy bonding during the week. Once hubs man heads out to work and sweet tot is on the couch watching toons with a snack and a sippy and the wee bairn has hit the boob juice hard and has thus conked himself out I retreat to my “office” (read: rocking chair in front of the fire place).

Here you will find me neurotically clicking refresh, commenting, liking, updating, pm’ing but not poking. That ish aint me. ugh.

In all seriousness though, for me as a SAHM I live for it. But does it save my sanity…really does it? I don’t think so. The quality of parenting I’ve been exuding since the heavy addiction started has really been lacking. Before I am even handed my coffee (that’s right ladies and gents my dudr partner is so rad that he brings me my coffee every morning) and as I’m rubbing the sleep crust from my eyes I’m signing on the ‘Books to see what I missed in the 4 hours of sleep I got. Its nucking futs.

I love Macklemore and Ryan Lewis….who doesn’t right? Well I was listening to “Cant hold us” the other say and a lyric I’d heard several dozen times plays through and piques my interest.

“Looking for a better way to get up out of bed
Instead of getting on the internet and checking a new hit me

​Just a lyric. Nothing special…but its those things that get my attention for some reason. See, the thing is I DO have a better way to get up out of bed than to hop on the facespace and mole away the day in my shade drawn house. I’ve got these rugrats that love to play with me. That love to just have my attention. I’ve got a house to keep. I’ve got two writing gigs due THIS week. I’ve got knitting jobs due. I’ve got about a million ideas brewing for a novel. Sooooo….. Its time for me to just step back and say “SNAP OUT OF IT MELODY!” and just do something different. It’s that easy anyway right?…..Right?!….I hope so.

So my dearies….not only did you get my confession but also a bit of resolve. I resolute to cut back on it. Lets say 25 minutes in the morning and 25 minutes in the evening? Give or take some time, of course. But this hours on end BS has. To. Stop. Hell….I’m not even using FB via mobile….I suppose at the tap of a finger its using less time but I’m on my lappy!

You have my permission to verbally kick me in the ass if you see me on FB for longer than 30 mins at time. Just seriously…..tell me to go make a to-do list or something. That’s my real obsession any way. ;)​


As some of you may have noticed…I’ve got a thing for wearing babies. If you haven’t noticed the it’s time for you get your head out of the dirt and have a look!



My baby wearing experience goes back to pre-first born! That’s right! Over six years ago I started learning about different carriers and wraps and learned how to use them. When my first son was born I was strapped with all sorts of knowledge! I had a Moby wrap and an Ergo Carrier. After that…well I never looked back. I’m three boys in several carriers deep and loving every moment of it. And do you know what my favorite part of all this is? Sharing my knowledge with other parents! Nothing makes me happier than to talk to a parent who says “My baby doesn’t like to be worn….I cant figure it out….it hurts my back” and then after 10 minutes of readjusting, rewrapping, and re-educating the parent and the baby walk away happy (and usually the baby has fallen asleep).

I’m working on outreach and education locally here in So. Vermont and my big picture goal is to have a community in the greater tri-state region of supporters and inquirers of baby wearing. I currently am working on building my carrier library so other parents can borrow a wrap or other type of carrier before investing the money into it blindly. These wraps and carriers are costly and you don’t want to make the wrong decision for you and your baby.

Baby Wearing International is hosting their baby wearing conference in July 2014 in Tempe, Arizona. I very much would like to go to learn more and bring back with me a wealth of knowledge and maybe a few more wraps for sharing. Below is a widget that will link you to a GOfundme page where you can donate money toward this cause if you feel so inclined to do so. I would greatly appreciated it and your money would not go wasted. Thank you so much and I hope you stay tuned for my wraphappy adventures!

What if I don’t “like” you?

Something has been gnawing at me.  It’s taking up my thoughts, and thus my time.  And it’s irritating. It’s making me angry. The whole cycle. Its making me angry. My time, which is valuable, is being spent on the following.

It’s Facebook. It’s Twitter. It’s Gmail.  It’s not them. It’s my decision to partake of the daily bread that is the salvation of socialization. The addiction, and the pull to keep up, click that, like him, support her, join them, block him and it goes on. That bright red notification bubble pops up and we feed off of it. We crave it. We close the laptop to step away only to be pulled back in moments later like Pavlov’s dogs looking for a meaty morsel, or in our case, attention.

I think that’s what it really boils down to. We are looking for some thing to break down the walls of our isolation of our far too busy lives. We have to. Its not an option. We are required in today’s society to meld to the mold of (deep breath) fast-paced-get-everything-done-and-if-you-fall-behind-our-expectations-that-are-now-your-expectations-because-it-is-instilled-that-this-is-the-only-acceptable-way-to-live, then… fail. This failing to not get the likes, push the buttons and open the PM’s leads you to loneliness, this leads to diminished confidence, this leads to bad self image, this leads to depression. Do you see what I’m getting at here?

As a stay at home mom I guess I’m talking to me. There are a lot of “me”s out there. This is how we fill the void. This void is decreased adult interaction.  It happens to us all after we have a kiddo or two…especially three. We hole up in the cave and we feel obligated to remain as thus until we are allotted the freedom that Kindergarten offers. Time. Free time. So in the mean time till then we are here. Right where you are. Staring at a smart phone, a tablet, a laptop screen or a monitor. We log on meet and have coffee every morning, we laugh at each other’s well thought out witty snarky clever status updates jokes and create plan pages playgroups and we push ask each other to share invite others to come and like join the fun. But there is something missing. Everyone wants me to like them. I should be satisfied. Are you satisfied? Is not that what friendship is? The request to like and the like in return? I don’t know. It’s starting to feel superficial. The once gratifying tracking of hits to my Facebook group pages is now spiraling down to a feeling of desperate need of real human interaction. It is so much easier to hole up in the cave. I know it is. Especially since…ahem…winter is coming…(sorry, I’m having GOT withdrawals). It takes so much effort to get going. So I sit back. I sit by my pellet stove and Facebook my day away while I nurse, while I throw snack on the table for my toddler, while I forget to change the laundry….again. Is this what I want? Is this what you want?

I have been thinking about all this for a couple of weeks with the intensity of my feelings rising each day. Then as if manifest from thin air came this video on my Facebook feed….of course, where else? I feel more justified in my emotional Facebook rant.

Will I still sit by every morning with my coffee and chat it up with friends and “like” everything they ask me to while they do the same for me? Yeah, it’s likely that I’ll keep it going. Hell, just in the interim of writing this blog post I’ve check my Facebook pages 4 times. Plus it makes my “friends” feel good, too. And if having 40 “likes” by tomorrow gets them through another day feeling happy and if 4 of my other friends comment on a photo I post and that gets me through another day feeling happy, then why not? I just hope this is not the beginning of something much bigger that we can never stop.

What happens if we forget how to hold a real unadulterated conversation? What if we stopped clicking like and started picking up the phone and really met up with half of the people we interacted with on Facebook. I don’t know that this is possible since I have three hundred and one “friends”…..but what if.

Interviews with the Inappropriate. A Blog Hop.

When my lady friend over at Juicebox Confession asked me to join in this blog hop I thought it would be a great way to get my postpartum ass in gear. I’ve been looking to work my atrophied writing muscle and this is a great way to dip my blogging toe back in the cool waters of the interwebs.

What follows is a myriad of questions compiled by eleven bloggers all answered and posted on the same day by said bloggers. At the end of the post you will find links to the other blogs!

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So enjoy this interview of sorts and please hop over to the other bloggers same questioned posts.

1. What made you start blogging?

What made me start blogging? What was it? It was writing…..

I started my blog at a time of many transitions and changes in my life. My family’s financial situation greatly changed. I was taking non clinical courses toward my nursing degree. I was staying at home taking care of my, at the time, one year old boy so all of the courses I was taking were online. I did A LOT of writing. I found myself in it. At the end of the semester I got my final paper back from one of my classes and in the review my professor said that she would buy anything I published. Even if it was a manual for a washing machine. She *enjoyed* my writing. She looked forward to it. That felt good. So. I started my blog and I dropped nursing school. That’s right. Just let it go. It wasn’t what made me happy. Writing did. Using my hands did. Now I’ll never be broke because I’ll always be happy in my work. When you are happy with what you do, the rest will follow.

In the archives from the birth of the blog you’ll find a few of my essays from my Psychology class.

Now my blog has many masks because what I’m into *now* changes. Knitting, cooking, mothering, babywearing, writing fiction. It’s always writing.

2. What is the meaning behind the name of your blog?

Flaws and All. This is me flaws and all. You’ll see all my triumphs and my success here but don’t think for one hot minute that I won’t exploit myself too. Hell yes I will. There can be found much hilarity in all that business. It’s also very humbling and courage/esteem building. In divulging my flaws I’m helping others and my family AND myself grow. People will read my blog and come to me and say “Oh my gerd….I’m not alone.” And what’s worse in this world than to feel alone? So. This is me Flaws and All.

3. Blogging is a great, quick way for a writer to reach an audience; how has blogging affected your daily life and do you get nervous when posting your thoughts for the interwebs to judge?

My blog, I feel, is an extension of myself. I dont put on a different hat (unless I’m writing fiction 😉 ) to write a post. I dont try to fill a different mold. So that being said….Do I get nervous when I go to the bank? No. Do I get nervous when I go to my best friend’s house to just hang out and shoot the shit? No. I’m me. I can’t, and I won’t, change that. If I was nervous I certainly would not be posting my flaws!

Wait…that’s bullshit. Yeah, yeah I do. I do get nervous. I get nervous that what I wrote might not be good enough or maybe its too opinionated. Lots of my readership is local and are people that I, like, care about. So I always am concerned with what people I care about think about what I publish. What I said in the previous paragraph is true. I am me…flaws and all and so in that regard I’m not worried about what the Greater Interwebs thinks about my writings. I’m not aiming for numbers. I’m aiming for that chord that hits for some when they read the “just right” blog post that hits home for them. A post that might change their perspective or even give them perspective. So yes. That is a tad nerve wracking.

4. How does your partner/others in your life feel about blogging? Do they find it invasive or do they fully support the blog effort?

My biggest fan IS my husband. He really is the driver in the car that drives my life. He’s my fuel. He critiques with love, he shares posts with gusto and he sits me down to write when it’s been too long. Full support all the time. Damn, I love that dude.

5. What are your limits on your blog….? (What don’t you talk about, who don’t you name, etc.)

Well, like I said, I’m a heart-on-the-sleeve kinda lady. So there isn’t much I won’t share. Where I do draw the line for posting is when I feel heated or hurt. These feelings are usually brought on by an external stimulus. Its never wise to type or speak when heated. I have found at least.

6. What is the most inappropriate/awful/shitty thing you ever blogged about, and did it you actually post it to your blog?

Yes I posted it. And here it is. Though you’d never know it.

7. How do you feel, as a writer, about the digitization of books? Do you prefer your Kindle or an old fashion paperback?

I think the digitization is great. I prefer to have my hands on paper. But access to text, literature and media just at the click of a button is priceless.

8. What 3 things are you reading online (blogs/websites, e-magazines, or social media) do you follow or always read when you see new content, even when you’re busy?

Facebook. And….that’s it. I read other blogs. I am interested in other websites. But that’s all folks. And a lot of that has to do with the time I don’t have to spend being on top of it all. I have three boys! One of which is 2 months old and nurses….when he is awake. The others are a two year old with the mind of a two year old the size of a three year old and the capability of a four year old…so that’s time consuming in itself and the other is a 6 year old the size of a four year old with the imagination to reach to the bottom of the ocean…so the time I have not focused on them is….usually sleeping.

9. What song/singer/band is on your iPod that would surprise people the most?

Gregorian covers of pop culture songs. Check it out. It will knock your children out on car rides. And you too if you aren’t careful.

10. Who is your biggest celebrity crush?

Patrick Stewart….Anthony Kiedis… Patrick….NO Anthony……Robert Downy Jr? No….Anthony Kiedis…..I can’t decide….

11. What is your guilty pleasure?

Relentlessly grooming my children. Nose picking, ear wax mining, toe nail clipping. Nothing pleases me more than grooming my kids. Screaming and thrashing and all….and when they are done…I move on to my husband…I’m a freakin’ monkey. It’s bizarre.

12. If you could offer a baby only one piece of advice (kind of like the fairies in Sleeping Beauty), what would it be?

Try everything once. If you don’t like it you don’t have to do it again but you might never know you like something until you try it. Once. (And responsibly….do not be a fucktard. Herion is bad. So is that krokadil shit….)

13. Has your biggest fear ever come true?

My biggest fears are natural disasters, any and all water slides and house fires. I will not get on waterslides and I have, knock on wood, cross my fingers, throw salt, all that stuff, have never experienced a natural disaster to the capacity of my fear. However, I’m only afraid of house fires after living through one. I wasn’t afraid of them before hand though. So ultimately, no, my biggest fear has never come true. I have only obtained a fear though experiencing it.

14. When something awesome happens to you, who do you call first?

Easy. Hubs, Mom, my bestie -Stacy. Not always in that order, always those people.

15. What is your passion and do you do it for a living? If not, why not?

I have so many passions. I’m a passionate lady. They are ever changing. Right now it’s my littles. They are my passion…I cant help it. It’s primally engrained in my brain to keep them alive. So yes. I am doing it. Come back in a year or two….who knows what my passion will be then and if I can make money off it or not 😉

16. Give us your worst/funniest/silliest/most interesting SELFIE picture. (If you don’t have one you love, just take any picture of yourself, go to PicMonkey or any other online service or program and add a mustache/glasses/anything!)

This is a picture I took of myself inspired by the hashtag pretty girl ugly face epidemic. Please…enjoy.


17. What is your favorite childhood movie?

Drop Dead Fred. All the way. I had that movie memorized by the time I was in 4th grade. Inappropriate and full of imagination. That movie had no impact on who I turned out to be as an adult! noooooooo…..

18. If you could be any kind of animal, what would you be and why?

I would be a horse. Have you ever been on a horse? If not….man…you’ve got to do it. Its the best therapy ever. Forget your meds, your wine, your shrink….get on a horse. I would be a horse because I have never felt more connected to the earth or ever felt as aware of the earth as I have when I was riding a horse. Imagine the sort of energy a horse can feel. Have you ever seen a horse run? Full tilt? Its amazeballz.

19. What’s your favorite adult beverage?

I joke that my boys middle names are ‘Jose Cuervo’, ‘Tanqueray’, and ‘Bailey’. But my favorite would be a nice classy gin and tonic.

20. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk and what is your bad drunken habit (think: tequila makes her clothes fall off….)?

Wow…I haven’t been this drunk in a lonnng time. But it used to be 6 shots of tequila or several G + Ts make me think I can fly….out a third story window….ahem. Now that I’ve been pregnant or nursing for the past 3 years its one or two beez knees (again a gin drink)  and my bad drunken habit would be biting my husband. No, not in the sexy way…In the “I’m a out of control teething toddler and I can’t fight this urge to bite you” sort of way. Its indecent.

21. If you had to appear on the popular Gameshow, “Baggage” as a contestant (, what would your 3 pieces of baggage be? (NO explanations)

My small piece of baggage would be “I’ve been engaged four times and married twice.”

My medium baggage is “I’ve done a suspension and I cant wait to do it again”

My large trunk of baggage is “I have to parent with oldest son’s father and that baggage will never go away”

22. Do you hover over the toilet in public bathrooms?

In portapotties ALWAYS! Why does it always look like a fracking petri dish in those shit shuttles?!……In public restrooms…I try to. But….not usually. I give the seat a ten point check before I sit on it. For sure. But I’ve found trying to stand and pee with three boys under six trapped in that stall with you is damn near impossible.

23. What’s the strangest talent you have?

I asked my husband this question of me. His response: “That weird fuckin’ dolphin sound you make is strange…..”. There you have it. I make a weird fuckin’ dolphin sound with my tongue.

24. If the zombie apocalypse were to happen, how long would you survive and why?

Alright. That’s the end of my tolerance for this question. I’ll tell you how long I’d survive a zombie apocalypse…I just would. Why?! Because its not real. This trendiness of who would out live who theoretical BS and who would be on my ultimate team of zombie apocalypse survival blah blah blah has to come to an end. Don’t get me wrong. I love George A Romero just as much as the next guy but, come on. I’ve taken the online quizzes…I know I can kill 28 zombie infected children before they take me down. Can we just fracking move on….Please?

25. What are 3 things you think people usually assume incorrectly, misunderstand or don’t “get” about you either in real life, or as a result of your blog?

1) While I did say earlier that I exploit my flaws for the value of humor or for others to see that they are not alone I will say that a misconception that people may have of me might be that it’s easy for me to share these things. My imperfections. Sure, I over share on the playground with other moms. Sure, all my facebook friends know I’ve had diarrhea for 5 months. But the really hard stuff I share like what happens behind closed doors is damn near impossible to type through the tears. Its very….therapeutic.

2) People assume that I am a bitch. By “people” I mean people who don’t know me. I’m not a bitch. I’m not out to ruin your day….I just don’t want to have any of that drama in my life. And I literally do not have time for it. Its not good for me, its not good for my family….so when I drop someone like a hot potato for being as such it’s only for the better of all good.

3) People think I’m tough as nails. I’m totally not tough as nails. I can hoot and holler about my astrological sun sign (Capricorn) all day and I can talk a mean talk….but I wont ever let you know you hurt me if you aren’t incredibly close to me. And I’m super sensitive!

26. Last question, at the end of the day…what will have made your life a success?

That my boys didn’t end up in jail. I will have created reasonable, responsible, law abiding citizens who value life. Boys who treat women and men good. Boys who have balanced checkbooks but know that life is not about the acquisition of dollars. If I can lead my boys in the right direction and they succeed that by virtue will have made my life a success.


Juicebox Confession

More Than Cheese And Beer

Mommy Needs Wine Not Whine

Full Metal Mommy

Pink Fuzzy Slippers And My Hubby’s Pants

Flaws And All

Toy Cars In My Purse

Comfytown Chronicles

The Parenting Topic That Wouldn’t Die.

Why won’t this topic die?! RIFP. Rest in freaking peace….so to speak.


Us parents, we all want it. We all think back to the “good ole days”… the days of sleeping in, sleeping on and sleeping uninterrupted. At will! At leisure, even! But this is a tired over talked topic so today my dear readers you will get not my complaints and sad stories about the mere 5 hours of sleep I’ve had in the past two days.  No, I shall spare you that unoriginal woe.  Here, for your viewing pleasure, are my sleep deprived solutions and thoughts that come from this ungodly amount of no sleep. Oh the places your brain goes…Enjoy.

1) This morning I was driving my eldest son to school. He’s in first grade. Just lost his first tooth yesterday. Love that kid. Anyhow! When I got to the meeting point to pass my son on to his father I got out of the van and disgracefully still in my pajamas I look at my ex, someone who I have no vested interest,  any at all, in him having more children with his partner, and I say to him: “I don’t know what your plans are but just don’t have anymore kids.  Just don’t do it” He looked at me and then looked into my van full of boys and said “Oh no…yeah…no.” I think he got my message which was “I think I might die from lack of sleep….one of us must stay alive for him…”.

2) On my way home I pass a cop doing speed checks on the side of the road. Here is where my brain takes over…What if:

Open scene: I’m speeding. Super fast. Its called criminal speeding. The speed limit is 50 MPH lets say I’m going…..95 MPH just to be safe sure that I’ll get pulled over. The cop’s lights turn on and I am super happy. I would immediately pull over. In this fantasy the cop will arrest me, with out a fight, and take me to a room with no one else….just a dark lonely room with a bed big enough for only ONE person. He would also take my toddler and my baby to The Department of Children and Family Services a free baby sitter where they would be safe and fed. This could go on for the duration of 12-24 hours.  In this day dream I sleep the whole time.  End scene.

3) IV caffeine. That’s all I got on this one. Why is this not a thing yet?

As I’m typing this I can just sense the lack of quality in this post. However, its not the quality or the content that counts. What I’m aiming for is to blow steam. Do I really want my children taken from me? Do I really think my ex should never have any more children? Do I want to take up a bizarre IV drug addiction? No. Of course not. My mind is just that…..screwy right now. I can not be held accountable for where my mind wanders in this state.

I love my boys. I love them for their everything. Even their sleep problems. And when I step back and look at it….They don’t have sleep issues….it’s ME who has the sleep problems. Perhaps it comes down to expectations and poor choices. Whatever the issue is I think we can all agree that this is universal in our culture.  Lack of sleep leads us to all sorts of dysfunction. Lets all hold hands and sing songs in our unity of dysfunction. Because, hell, if we sleep deprived parents don’t have each  other’s back….we may very well fall backwards in line at the grocery store due to over-exhaustion. And we just can have that.