“Get me another glove!!! Get me a glove!!!” She said ten centimeters….Did she think I was going to wait to get this vampiric leach out of my abdomen?! No way. ‘Ten centimeters” were the magic words and I got that baby boy out in 2 minutes. No lie. Come to think of it….I don’t know if she ever got that second glove on. Poor doctor.
Rewind to 9 hours earlier. My water broke. I was 35 weeks pregnant and about as miserable as they come. No, I wasn’t whining because I was uncomfortable and I didn’t want to be pregnant any more. No it wasn’t the swollen feet, or the constant need to pee in the middle of the night. That was all a cakewalk.
Nope, it wasn’t that. It was the two illnesses I had been battling for about 11 weeks. We didn’t get the diagnosis for the underlying issue until December 2012 – more than a year after Felix was born. Collagenous Colitis. Pain, diarrhea, anorexia, hell. The other hell was Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy of which I received the diagnosis for two days before my spontaneous water break. My liver was on strike and I was the color of bananas. I had gained a whopping 7 pounds this second pregnancy if I could guess that was only the baby and the fluid since he was 6 ½ lbs at birth. If you couldn’t find me at home you’d likely find me passed out in a hospital bed with some drippy tube stuck into my arms (which if you didn’t know this about me you might think I was a heroin addict. Every vein from my elbows down had been collapsed, bruised, or blown out). I was often on a clear liquid diet which matched what came out of me either out the top or the bottom. And I was on the shitter about 10 – 13 times a day, not for the need to pee mind you. This, my dear reader, is why I was miserable. I was “dying” as my friends and family will remind me from time to time. I never thought I was dying…I just sorta felt like I was.
So! 9 hours earlier, yes. The local hospital sent me off to the area’s high risk hospital since we were in active pre-term labor. I was a little excited about the helicopter ride….but there was a lightening storm so it was a bumpy ambulance ride for me! Two shots of trebutiline (to slow contractions) later and we made it to the hospital. Where I labored like a champ and my husband almost died of exhaustion and adrenaline overdose.
“Melody….I strongly advise that you not have any more pregnancies” Said the doctor. So Stephen called the urologist and scheduled the vasectomy the day Felix was born.
Wait….the vasectomy didn’t work.